she waits*

2011-12-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

What was fascinating was not that we took risks, but that we learned almost instinctively that in order to live a functional life, there were many risks it was better simply to ignore.

love will be the echo

2011-12-01T00:58:00.000-08:00

maybe im excited for december. for sparkly things and cinnamon scented everything. maybe my cranberry bodybutter brings back memories of the first holiday when everyone knew. when we were still trying to figure it out, wishing it all away. maybe im sad theyre still avoiding it. but maybe il think of sparkly dresses for instead of worrying.

and i want to see lights.

2011-11-18T12:34:00.000-08:00

maybe i will just never go back into my bedroom. maybe i will spend the night eating cherry jelly. maybe i'll never know how to make you feel better. maybe il keep watching hit the lights, over and over. or download more tv. and never finish this book. maybe i just need you to be, not so faraway. maybe then id be able to focus on everything around me.

2011-11-17T12:20:00.000-08:00

(I get the feeling we're on to something. I say jump and you start jumping.

That's that, now what do you want from me?)

it's weekend and im tired,
and there are too many books to read.

your string of lights.

2011-11-08T00:18:00.000-08:00

i used to tell people you were different, that i saw some other kind of light in you. you used to treat me like i was special, you used to actually care. but not anymore. and it would be so much easier to move on if you would stop saying these words that give me hope. if you would just admit that you were wrong, that you didnt mean to break me, but it happened and youre sorry. but maybe il only ever imagine you saying those words, and maybe that will be have to be enough. and so, i continue to listen to feist, and wait for someone to bring me more earl grey. #happytuesdayiguess

then.

2011-11-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

realising even more, how much i will miss you.

i finally started reading theperksofbeingawallfower (i start too many books these days, and never really finish.) and im listening to the music from my favourite ballet, so maybe if i fall asleep the dreams will be sweet. tomorrow is for writing letters.

id say fairytale.

2011-11-05T15:50:00.000-07:00

today was kind of perfect. and i want to list all the beautiful things i saw and tasted and felt inside, but it wouldnt come close to the way it was. so, there, now you know.
im just, really glad i got to spend it with the people i love most. xoxo

2011-11-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

maybe i want this tattoo.
or maybe i just want a friend with red hair, who also happens to be super indie.

//

2011-11-02T10:24:00.001-07:00

but i think that i am.

youre my head, and youre my heart.

2011-11-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

it finally feels like summer, and ive been florencedancing for days. i spent all day stalking burning man and hoping this drift apart doesnt last forever, bc i miss your hearing your voice. also, im dying of flu. (did i mention the universe hates me?) if anyone knows these boys, contact me urgently. i think they could be the cure for the illness that plagues my body and soul:

in other news of the day: im really enjoying reading eatpraylove. xoxo

the wind calls our name.

2011-10-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've been finding puzzle pieces of us

Kept in the dust

I've been hiding letters and photograph frames

To forget your name

We were never meant

to be this damn broken

Words were never meant

to be this half-spoken

Winding Circles take me back to

The place I knew when I was with you

And all we see has gone away

(i wish. youd stop calling me at one am. i wish. he'd stop looking into my eyes, and knowing ive missed you. i wish. he'd stop loving me this much, so unconditionally. i wish.)

cant anymore*

2011-10-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

i can't keep crying myself to sleep like this. i can't keep dreaming things that hurt more than my reality. i cant keep not knowing the difference. i hate feeling like the only option is excess or restriction. i hate not being able to explain this to you. and really, im too tired (of this, of myself) to say it aloud. so, i continue to lie here. alone and broken. wishing i could curl up tight enough to squeeze your love away.

thankyoustars.

2011-10-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

i like the smell of the ocean in the morning. and i like fresh fruit at breakfast. i dont like when you make your stress mine. katie melua is playing and im drinking tea that smells like christmas. i like this definition: birthday, n.: It was like you were wrapping my friends in the decoration of a party and regifting them to me. and i really really like this tattoo.

when it rained this evening, it felt like a perfectly calm sigh of relief. and then we spoke about us, and i felt like i belonged. i felt everything i wish so desperately for you to feel. both frightening and true. and now i will dream, hopefully only of lovely things. xoxo

I just really want to go to India.

2011-10-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

2011-10-24T02:35:00.000-07:00

I remember we were driving driving in your car

The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk

City lights lay out before us

And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged

And I had a feeling I could be someone,

be someone, be someone.

but this love is ours*

2011-10-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

this weekend will be for fruit salad and vanilla ice cream. for reading books underneath trees. for baby showers on wine estates. and for dancing to music that i cant help but love. i will dream of faraway living, and remember why i prefer it here with you. i will miss playing guitar and never actually play. il be sad about skirts that dont fit me, and buy sparkly headbands instead. i think we should go camping soon.

firecatching dreams*

2011-10-06T02:17:00.000-07:00

I like calling you even though I'm half asleep, just to make sure I'll be seeing you later. I like feeling responsible bc I waited a day to buy this skirt. I like watching my kitty cat play with her shadow. And I like that you know I'll be there for you, even when you dont know how to save her, and all you want is to dance*

i love the way this dream makes me feel*

2011-09-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

i cant wait to be home and fall asleep with my kittycat. and burn candles at sunset. i cant wait to wear flowers in my hair and have feathers dangling from my ears. i cant wait to sleep in, and drink tea that tastes like a hug. i cant wait to tell you about the girl im going to visit in mali, and the tattoo i really want. i cant wait to see you smile. home is soon, keep breathing deeply.

For every time.

2011-09-28T08:30:00.000-07:00

"It was a hard time (not that I’m trying to say this somehow makes the time or even my experience unique). I felt displaced, lost and defeated. We're not 14 anymore. Things are really happening to us. We’re in debt, we’re suddenly jobless, loveless, disease ridden, watching the people we love struggle with their demons. Everything is becoming real. Granted, we take things less seriously; we can now laugh at our misfortunes, and ourselves, whereas when we were teenagers we’d lament a missed party or a parental grounding for weeks to follow. Things change, thankfully.

At that time — I wanted to bail. I wanted to give up and go home. I was so fed up with it all, the transience and the unknowing and just trying so fucking hard all the time for a pittance in my purse and a sore back. And then, just when I was ready to throw my hands up in the air, distill my dreams and walk away with them (in their much smaller package) to a safer place, there you were. You were sitting on my stoop, just like… that.

I hadn’t asked you to come, but you came anyway. You, who I didn’t even think cared for me; you, who teased me and tore me down from my cloud whenever you could; you, who I hadn’t seen in almost two weeks. There you were. When you looked up and smiled at me I wanted to fall into your arms and cry and cry, but I didn’t. You had come so I could be strong; and so strong I was.

You’re never going to know just how much it meant to me that day you came unannounced to support me. You’re never going to know that you being there put my perspective back into its rightful place. You’re never going to know that I never really thought that I could care for you to until I saw you sitting there, waiting for me so patiently. You’re never going to know how much I owe you for your modest kindness.

And I know you’re never going to admit that you came because you were worried about me, or because you cared. You’re never going to admit what it meant to you, to be there when I needed you most. And when you came, you already knew you weren’t going to reach out and hold me, letting me cry the way I wanted to. You were never going to make it about affection, despite our history. That just wouldn’t be “us.”

But you made me laugh regardless, and together we laughed at the world, at our misfortunes and the absolute rock bottom it seemed like I was hitting. You made jokes for me and you turned the hardship into adventure, right at the precise moment when I thought I was going to crack irreparably. You intuitively knew what to do for me in my hour of need, and you did it without show or emotion. And I received it the same way.

So I want to say thank you for that time you were at my side even though I had never asked you to be there. Thank you for offering your presence as my solace. Thank you for silently saying that we’re OK, that I’m OK, that you will be there when I’m treading water without an island in sight. Thank you for not making it into a “thing,” for knowing me so well (because we’re just the same inside, really) and ignoring the inherent weight of your actions, allowing me to ignore it too. Thank you for being such a mocking jerk instead of pitying me the way I was pitying myself — because you know that’s what I like about you, anyway. So, just… thank you."

Kat George is me. Lol, no but really guys. Is she stalking my life.

She is the last flower.

2011-09-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

I flinch. As if something sharp is being thrown at me. Every time you say my name like that. Every time an order comes my way. I flinch and hope to disappear. Or that at least the tears that are welling up will sink deep down, where all the other pain she causes goes to rest.

But I don’t ever disappear. And I don’t ever get it right. So the shouting continues and the tears never sink deep enough. And every time I watch myself react like this I flash back to the days when the darkness overcame everything else. And I pray that I’ll escape it. I pray for a moment of peace, a moment when my thoughts aren’t loud screams for help.

You think I’m being dramatic, that I need to get perspective. Well maybe if you had some perspective on the way everything filters through my thoughts, through these experiences, maybe then you could get back to me. Please stop trying to make me feel guilty every time I tell you how I really feel.

You make me feel like I don’t deserve to hurt. Like, I’ll never really be hurt enough to deserve your attention, or the help I so desperately need. And you have no idea the lengths I’ve gone to prove you wrong. You make me feel silly. You look at me like I watch too much tv and live in another world where people are allowed to be melodramatic and say things like “I feel so sad my body hurts, please let me sleep today away.”

I need to feel safe. To feel loved. You always asked me, and I never really thought about it, for fear of hurting your feelings. -Typical of me, to protect your feelings before even beginning to consider the effect on mine. Now that I think about it, if that was all the love you had to give, maybe I didn’t deserve it. I took it all, and this is what you get back: A broken girl who leans on you only when she can’t bear to let someone else down, someone who hasn’t given even half of their heart. I hope that you have at least golden moment trapped in your memory, where all this felt worth it.

All I need is to know that you would help me heal, without resentment, without carrying my pain as a burden you never really deserved. I need to be certain that you wouldn’t flaunt my secrets. But that you wouldn’t hide them as some dark unspoken part of me that you are ashamed of either. I need you to know when my smile is real, and when the laugh is one I can’t control.

But every part of me, every piece of me that became like this while I watched the pieces of you fall into place, believes that the world I so desperately need, the only world that would be able to save me, doesn’t exist within the realms of our potential. I say this not because I lack faith, but because I lack the energy to believe anything other than what I have seen. And maybe you would call this defeatist. But maybe I’d say you never tried hard enough when I cried for help, however soft and infrequent those cries were. You should’ve known better, you should’ve asked for more.

all of you*

2011-08-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

Scars and struggles on the way

But with joy our hearts can say:

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

trick me into it*

2011-07-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

for those of you concerned (it should be all of you) my birthday list is ready. and this headdress is on it. im kinda obsessed with her rightnow. but in a safe, legal "i listen to the music you blog about and really want your jeans" way*

lastnight we sang along to skyscraper on repeat more times than we thought possible. with such emotion and volume that we lost our voices. our sushi matched and we made a bee out of it. we pushed eachother into renovation walls and had conversations that wouldve been awkward if overheard.

aaaand. the past few days have been filled with praying for rain and listening to {truth by alexander} over and over, and over again. now my nails are purple and im excited to go for a run in the dark. happy weekend xoxo

little bee*

2011-07-26T04:05:00.000-07:00

Do stuff.

Be clenched, curious.

Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead.

Pay attention.

It’s all about paying attention.

Attention is vitality.

It connects you with others.

It makes you eager.

Stay eager.

-Susan Sontag

today she told me not to settle, even though im so happy where i am.

and i will be forever grateful that she keeps reminding me.

that they all believe in me this much.

and i am grateful for the freedom i sometimes forget that i have.

xoxo

im giving you up*

2011-07-20T11:56:00.000-07:00

today, i sat in the sun and began to read a book that both scared and inspired me. and i had conversations with boys who never fail to encourage me. and maybe i shouldnt be listening to {you already know by train} on repeat this much, bc it's bringing up some bitterness i should be rid of, but it's just too great to let it go. dear boy, i promise that this time i mean it. sincerely, you know me too well. xoxo

and you finally see*

2011-07-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

and today i am living in this crazy kind of freedom i didnt ask for. and maybe i should be grateful, maybe i am, but it's disorienting. anyway, mostly id just like to say that i am really really happy with the people i have in my life. and im sighing sighs of relief bc i feel so loved. so to you, and even to the person in mexico who seems to stalk me more than my own friends, thank you. for supporting me in ways i never knew i needed. xoxo

2011-07-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

there are things that only you know. and there are things that you will never understand. there are things that will make every day a battle. against myself and against the world.

today was really difficult.

she wont phone home*

2011-07-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

{there were two girls in floral dresses, and while we sat in the fifth row on the left i realised they make me happier than ive been in a long time. and that maybe, just maybe, we are soul mates.} and we will sit and listen to i want a house over and over, while tasha throws random spices in food, and i make tea and lisa obsessively cleans. even if we date stupid boys, or dont know what we'll do with our lives in the longrun. bc right now, we have us, and we are all we need*

...and as much as you may want to delete the group, #betchlove will be in our hearts forever. (even if this friendship isnt.. JOKES. Joking. LisaMarie, your request has been accepted! -If only bc you know all my passwords... Congratulations into the world of my forever friends. It's a wonderful life! ) Xoxo

just one more*

2011-07-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

"Love is fragile and we're not always its best caretakers. Even the best of us make mistakes; we just muddle through and do the best we can to hope this fragile thing will survive by all odds."

{sushi is magic.} but even sushi can't stop the things they told us to prepare for. and even sushi won't make her see the truth. xoxo

dont mind me*

2011-07-06T04:42:00.000-07:00

{and it's like im watching her ruin my whole life, watching her from some faraway place where im helpless, where maybe i dont even exist.} it should be raining.

summer dreaming*

2011-07-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

{the world needs to know that this is my lifeplan for summer.} and only @Lee_lah will truly know what i mean, but when december comes you'll all be like "ohhhh." and il just say "you. are, welcome." Xx

until you smile*

2011-07-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

{waiting for my electricblanket to warm up, stalking my new favourite photostream. as i have been all afternoon, succesfully procrastinating. i may never wash my hair.}

today i realised how quickly i get lonely, and how much sadder i am when im alone. i dont think ive always been like this, but this is who i am now. so much of who i am now will take some getting used to. so much of who i am now is a consequence of fear. the person i used to be would be so disappointed in me, bc she'd never be able to relate. but that's life.

and tonight, at 1:11, i wish for that house. and raspberry bushes. for my bedroom to smell this perfect forever. and for a kitten to love. xoxo

through the sky*

2011-06-24T02:16:00.000-07:00

"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between." — Sylvia Plath

this weekend i will drink tea and eat jelly with sprinkles and listen to the rain and burn incense and bake apple pie. and i will read {the celestine prophecy} and {the prophet} and feel insightful and inspired by all the documentaries i will lose myself in. xoxo

waiting on one*

2011-06-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

"You say you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever,

Now youre in this corner trying to put it together." #howtolove

we just sat in the bed and faught over biscuits and compared tv shows and played with amazing lighters and avoided the relationship question. then it was guitar hero and presents from europe, and letting our boots soak in the rain.

coming home to a bedroom with an electric blanket and my bestfriend. like we will for years to come. #magic

and now it's your birthday and youre so faraway
but today will be magic*
{im still beaming from that skypedate and how lovely miss adachi is.} im just that girl sitting on her bedroom floor listening to imogenheap and burning sweet incense while she paints her nails barbiepink. "did you ask her why she's being so dramatic?" some things will never match up, some places will hurt forever. hoping someday she'll explain this all to you, and youll see this isnt my fault. hopefully someday youll forgive me. hopefully someday il be able to catch myself before i go from elated to heartbroken without so much as a breath inbetween.

time against us, miles between*

2011-06-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

today i found out that i'll be in rwanda in august. #opsmilesa

ive wanted to go to rwanda for a while now, and it'll be my first sixmonth assessment so im really really excited! i also realized that itl be a while before cinnamon, my beautiful imaginary kitten becomes a reality. #heartbreak

{csi in the background to unproductive phonecalls about uncomfortable events and inefficient blogging.} and now im heatingup my mocha and listening to 21. tonight, i am both certain of what makes me happy and uncertain of how sustainable this joy is.

it's 23h23 and im going to burn some incense and breathe deeply.

love light peace*

go home*

2011-06-19T05:42:00.000-07:00

you will find someone someday (maybe youve known them your whole life) and you will trust them with everything you are. some days you'll hate that they know you so completely, but most days them knowing you finally makes you feel whole. you won't forget that you were afraid to trust, but you'll forget what it feels like to be hesitant. your first reaction won't be to keep it all to yourself, you'll want to share your life with them, and will never doubt their loyalty, bc you know they care and bc they are a part of you now.

{no need for interpretation, those words were for you. i know you didn't hear half of what i told you last night, bc you didnt want to. but someday youll want it, and i will still be here.}

{and this part is for me.} there will be a time when you look back and wonder how you got here. there will be a day where you feel like suddenly things got messy and maybe you should have said nothing; or in another case, you should have said something. and youll wonder why you let yourself stop caring. and youll wonder how to switch it back on. and on this day, it will feel like things will never be the same. but remember how things were before, how you thought that was best. and maybe youre only annoyed bc you know things will be okay, but it's not happening fast enough.

on this day, your emotions arent the thing to trust. on this day, you are only allowed to remember that she saved you and you love her and you promised youd never lose her. you promised yourself and you promised her. things are allowed to get difficult, things were always going to get messy. stop wondering. stop second-guessing. stop being sad about something youre not about to lose.

smells just like christmas to me*

2011-06-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

"Yeah well you....are my, christmas tree, you mean everything to me." #magicperfume

{In Kinshasa, the girls took me to Nice Cream and gave me cinnamon icecream turned into a milkshake. It tasted like Christmas!} Dear really cute lovestories that aren't gross, thank you for existing. Come visit me?

im still not ready for reality. but four days of escapism may do me good. {banana splits, scented candles and happy songs.} "let's just lay here forever, we can slow down together" everyone should spend their night watching paperheart. and dreaming about wearing boots with kneehighs in the rain tomorrow. it feels so good to be home. xoxo

lokulutu's back*

2011-06-12T05:10:00.000-07:00

[images via pepperandchips]
the team has left, and suddenly things are so much more empty. we did over 170 surgeries! #kinshasaupdate. really missing my boots. and the family we've become. really excited for rain and plett. craving lemon sorbet. anyone want to skype me in the next two days? #uncappedwifi #hotelbordem

but we danced*

2011-06-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

[Im now officially an easymix baking goddess. Pretty much ready for marriage, any takers?

JOKES. It's a joke. Gosh, people get so dramatic so quickly.]

[images via neongold. buthonestly. fashiontoast.]

It's almost 2am, apparently the universe doesn't think I need sleep. When I go to bed tomorrow, I'll have to set my alarm for 4am. For the airport adventure. So much luggage. (This time not mine.) All I ask is that they serve me mochas and then cranapple juice. #simplerequest
So not emotionally ready for the heat that is to come. Mostly, I just really dont want to shave my legs. #thisismylife #reasonstolovewinter #yeahiwentthere

don't crash under dim street lights*

2011-06-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

{needing to invest in more ginga friends so i can stare at their hair.} i love everything about this picture. everything. xoxo

you belong with me*

2011-05-31T09:11:00.000-07:00

rainy day shopping with girls who dye their hair as much as mine. falling in love with my wellingtons. laughing at the word wellingtons. running through puddles in town. dangerous liasons with company credit cards. family confessions. bowtie adventures. office romances. and as always, opsmile love.

[images via pepperandchips and jak&jil]

{considering wearing a tiara every day , everywhere for a week. forever?}
dear tuesday, even though you made me exercise more than i have in months, i have loved you. and as evening approaches, i predict potentially large amounts of reckless behaviour. but the good kind.

you wouldve been here*

2011-05-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

{there is no sound more perfect than strumming while the rain pours.}
"i love you more than i did before, and if today i don't see your face: nothing's changed, no one could take your place. it gets harder everyday. and im sorry it's this way." and so begins the five month countdown.

the weekend (it was weekend right?) was grey, dim and kind of a blur, in the most wonderful way. {fireplace moments, concerned conversations, long drives, seaside dreaming, household adventures, profound realisations..} but sleep was not in abundance. luckily, this is why god invented mondays. and with the way im feeling (missing you) itl be a long morning before i leave my bed.
#comehomeformybirthday

But here, still*

2011-05-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Wildflowers everywhere and he told me "Your poems are the ones I look for in every book and never find them" and we skip classes to melt in beautiful gardens and I wish I had more time for books and letters.

i miss fields and kites and running around til i fall to the ground laughing. i miss driving away for hours and you staring up at me while you played the only two songs you knew. i miss my heart melting with pride everytime you reached the notes and i saw your eyes light up. i miss us sitting under my streetlights, and you just knowing.

and this weekend is the last one before i fall inlove with the drc. before things start to slip again and i feel more myself and more lost at the same time. im realising more and more that maybe this was a bad idea, we're just getting so good. and i don't want to live in the momentum i used to love, i dont. i don't want to leave you. i don't want you to go. say it'll be okay?

and if i told you what i wanted to do this weekend, youd probably get mad, or be the only one who'll see there's something else going on. so instead i plan to bake really big (easymix) cappucino muffins and write romantic letters il never post.

"love light peace"

someone to fall back on*

2011-05-22T06:47:00.000-07:00

{someone to fall back on by i cant go on, i'll go on}

maybe i should tell you how nervous i suddenly am about something i was sure i could do. and that my only source of affirmation doesnt know how bad things were. but where would that get me. support from people who feel obliged and who don't know me at all. #thingsidonthavetimefor

maybe i should say that i hope you understand that if i could spend every minute with you again, i would. but im not sure you do, and im afraid you think i dont care anymore. maybe i should let you know that you are missed, every single day. and that you are still his favourite. maybe i should call you and shout back that you are loved, changed or not, and that there is nothing to be afraid of.

maybe i should explain how i feel like the novelty is wearing off, but my greatest fear is that it would only speed up the process of ending. or maybe im afraid bc i feel like im nothing without you. maybe i should find a better way to show you how much i love you, how much of myself i lose in wanting to protect you. but all i can do is hope that you always allow me to be a part of your life.

and all i really want to say is, dont forget to make a wish*

i'd be nothing*

2011-05-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

"To the ones who cared

And who were there from the start

To the love that left

and took a piece of my heart

To the few who´d swear

I´d never go anywhere

Where are you now?"

(yes, im that creepy girl stalking kitten pictures..)

2011-05-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

i know it's been forever. and im sorry i still dont have the words to explain. xoxo

im allowed to vent if i want*

2011-02-13T14:00:00.000-08:00

i don't believe in valentines day. in my head, anything "romantic" that happens on valentinesday is automatically gross and kitsch and "euw don't do that" (dear boy, i will literally say this to you. don't do it. don't.) not for any hating-on-love reasons, im all for love. and ive had amazing valentinesdays. lastyear, the best so far. and with B's elaborate plans for the evening, this year might come close.
but it's just another day. literally. don't try so hard, don't put so much magic in the expectations and the hidden meanings (girls are so irritating, omg). maybe im lame for believing in everyday sparkle and moments that mean something special to only you two, on days that should have been mundane. i like unexpected magic. i like not reading into things. i like sponteneity and not feeling pressured. and maybe this isn't even a real explanation. i just.. dear valentinesday, no thankyou.

when i was little*

2011-02-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

'You're late', the forests within my ribs were sighing gravely.

The falling snow when everyone's wishing for rosebud-skies instead.

'Time tricked you', and all I have now is a shard of moon to see you through.

-restlesshearts

this weekend i learnt: the importance of family. that one person can have a profound impact across generations, for years to come. that i will most likely never find a husband as perfect as my dad is. that i can trust you more than i hoped. and her, even less than she wishes.

and maybe the incense filling my universe will calm me down.

#justincase, im stalking images of things i hope to dream of.

and then live out.

#putitoutintotheuniverse

please let this week be magic.

i need it to be magic.

Xoxo

if you cared, youd know*

2011-02-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Robertson

wish sometimes they were feathers*

2011-02-12T12:26:00.000-08:00

"There is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time. Perhaps we become aware of our age only at exceptional moments and most of the time we are ageless."

and today, jswizzle,

you are older.

wishing you a wondrous birthday*

may it be filled with love and online shopping and the perfect taylorswift-johnmayer ratio, extreme amounts of tabasco sauce and lovely memories being made.

-but mostly bc they are usually the most beautiful.

breathtaking sunsets. uncontrollable laughter. receiving romantic mail. quiet moments with friends. a smile from across the room. boys who give you butterflies. spontaneous trips. wishes coming true. books that change your life. songs that make your day brighter.

all these things and more i wish for you. happy birthday*

"Dreams are illustrations, from the book your soul is writing about you.”

love always xoxo

to whisper quietly*

2011-02-10T15:55:00.000-08:00

i want: evening roadtrips. bonfire at the beach. sweatshirts and sparklers. to fall asleep underneath the stars. {the awakening by rumi}

and i can't wait to meet baby tristan*

today's precious moment: reading poetry in the afternoon rain, watching the bubbles float up inside my tall crystal glass. and to my dear friend: let him love you. it could be magic. Xoxo

when violet eyes get brighter*

2011-02-10T14:17:00.000-08:00

"the stars lean down to kiss you, and i lie awake and miss you" im too scared to listen to songs we have memories with, songs we put on that last playlist. not tonight. i actually might break. so instead, it's {vanilla twilight by owlcity} and {nothing by thescript} but still, the tears keep coming...

i dont want to go tomorrow.
not without you. i wish you were here to see why im scared, and i wish you were here to hold me and say itd be okay. like you were on the cab ride after he broke my heart. (the first time). i wish you were here and things were fine. we'd have mornings together, and your mom would laugh at my afrikaans.
please come home.

it's too much. it's become just a sad story. they don't understand. no one understands. it hurts so much, and i should be used to it but it hurts more every single day. im here and my heart is breaking all over again, hurting more than ever before.

and it's not fair.

if i say who i know*

2011-02-10T01:07:00.000-08:00

[images via jak&jil]

chocolate milk. {the fray.} black shiftdress. tortoiseshell wayfarers. and my nails are blue.

currently reading: life is elsewhere. and. we wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families.

thursday, please be good to me.

xoxo

it's always ourselves we find in the sea*

2011-02-09T00:48:00.000-08:00

i dont like routine. i like waking up at 8am and deciding to go back to sleep til 2. i like spontaneous trips. i like being home for lunch. i like long walks through places ive never been. i love sitting in the rose garden, with nowhere else to be. i like being somewhere to watch the stars come out. i like falling asleep after watching the sun rise. and i love never knowing the time.

[images via pepperandchips]

i think im scared. is that why im putting this off? or am i just lazy?

is he right? should i not be doing this? #toolateforsecondguessing.

i just want to be in india. "To be nobody-but-yourself--in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else--means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." e.e cummings

Xoxo

everything i am cries out for you*

2011-02-08T09:41:00.000-08:00

"Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth."

The Prophet (1923) Khalil Gibran

{im so inlove with his writing, his artwork, his life.}
craving: banana and caramel pancakes.
xoxo

but speechless was our love*

2011-02-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

dear Kahlil Gibran,

i love you like i love Kundera and Rumi.

#yesthatmuch.

"Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls"

The hidden well-spring of your soul must needs rise and run murmuring to the sea;

And the treasure of your infinite depths would be revealed to your eyes.

But let there be no scales to weigh your unknown treasure;

And seek not the depths of your knowledge with staff or sounding line.

For self is a sea boundless and measureless.

Say not, "I have found the truth," but rather, "I have found a truth."

Say not, "I have found the path of the soul." Say rather, "I have found the soul walking upon my path."

For the soul walks upon all paths.

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.

The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

new album obession: {a beautiful exchange}

"my heart will sing no other name"

Xoxo

You are love*

2011-02-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

We look at this Son and see the God who cannot be seen. We look at this Son and see God's original purpose in everything created. For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible, rank after rank after rank of angels - everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him. He was there before any of it came into existence and holds it all together right up to this moment. And when it comes to the church, He organizes and holds it together, like a head does a body. So spacious is He, so roomy, that everything of God finds its proper place in Him without crowding. Not only that, but all the broken and dislocated pieces of the universe - people and things, animals and atoms - get properly fixed and fit together in vibrant harmonies, all because of His death, His blood that poured down from the Cross.

-Colossians 1:15-20 (The Message)

look who's alone now*

2011-02-08T03:19:00.000-08:00

im kind of inlove with how cute this milk is. and also, #ithurtsme that your opinions and reluctance spill over into my life. it hurts that your decisions are preventing my recovery. and that your regrets ruin my days. that your bad choices have influenced my desires. and that you don't bother to prove me wrong. #shouldvesaidno

{butreallyonthecouch}

dear lisa, i wish someday il be as cool as you.

i love that #wehavethesamebrain. and that youre so great at guitar hero. i love your family. and that you are part of mine. i don't love that you and my parents can be sarcastic together, about me, and that i never get it. #bcimanidiot. i love that we can be together, doing nothing for days and be happier than ever. #imsoinlovewithus

james taylor and bowtie pasta. early morning strumming. falling inlove with my pink hair in the sunlight. kneehighs and dresses with zips. mixed berry sorbet in crystal bowls. texts from girls who should love me enough to let me sleep in. and i still haven't gone to get my student card. Xoxo

he just roars*

2011-02-07T13:12:00.000-08:00

dear victoria

it's your birthday.

BIRTHDAY!

and youre nineteen*

it's all terribly exciting!

for me.

lol, anyway, i hope youve had the most romantic day ever.

#butonaseriousnote im inlove with your hair.

and i mean, i guess youre cool, too.

lol #butreally.

i dont think i could put into words how much you mean to me.

you are wonderful and insightful and smart and superpretty and i trust you with my everything.

youre my person.

i love you more than all the stars.

forever and always.

happy birthday*

something to believe in*

2011-02-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

hello lady, why does the colour look so great on you? make it look cool on me, too.
also. im inlove with your ring.

things that frustrate me: how materialistic i can suddenly be when im sitting in a room full of things i have owned for years. (things i wouldn't miss, but wont let go.)

things that break my heart: this insane life of excess im living. how screwed up the world is. how messed up people can be. and how i wish we would live every day as though our actions really will change the world. #bcthatswhatiwanttobelieve

anyway, ive been watching too many thought-provoking movies.

it's weekend. enjoy it xoxo

the starry skies we lie beneath*

2011-02-04T01:54:00.000-08:00

[dear hair, im bored of you. what colour would you like to be next? #thisisafungame
i want you to be this pink. and then maybe blue?]

dear mommy, happy birthday for tomorrow.

i love you to the moon and back.

i love breakfasts with you. and the roses in your garden. mostly, i miss not having to talk myself into the simplest things. #makeitstopmakeitgoaway

{missing by elizadoolittle}

xoxo

you shine so much brighter*

2011-02-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

[i think i'll start wearing flowers in my hair]

today i sat in the park for hours. stared up at trees. and thought about everything. and nothing. and about how sometimes, everything is nothing.

[today, these are my favourite flowers.
in pale pink. please and thankyou]

i went for a walk and watched the clouds break apart in the most incredible way. i watched boys run and kids play. [unintentional rhyme] and i wished you were there to hold me, or even just to sit on the swing next to mine. #imissyou.

spent the rest of the afternoon playing in my perfectly icy pool, listening to myself breathe. -dont think ive enjoyed the pool that much in years. #agoodday

[i think. that if i were wearing this dress tonight,

i might actually feel like seeing people. #toobad]

sometimes my heart hurts and i dont know why.

i wish you were here. you always know before i realise.

{honey let me sing you a song by matthires}

is everything a song should be.

and now i'll go dance in the rain.

Xoxo

im letting you in*

2011-02-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

[image via fashiontoast]

still hoping il wake up and own this outfit, bc it's all i want to wear tomorrow. i finally picked my electives: initial spanish. and intro to ancient egypt. ooooh. do i want this tattoo? do i want a friend with hair like ivy? #yeslisaido. do i really want you, or do i want whatever-this-is to change? am i being stupid for over-analysing and not just doing? #probably

and to... well, you-used-to-be-theboy: happy birthday* i hope it's perfect. and that someday you'll believe in birthdays like i believe in you. you will always mean the world to me. {must get out by maroon5} so far, this week ive learnt: that the things i internalize are things i cannot change; they break me but they shouldn't matter. that someday i'l learn to balance my world. that it's okay if i can't, if im honest. also, that vida's iced coffee sucks. hmm, and i haven't even started school yet, lol. xoxo

"i feel like im richer than i know"*

2011-01-30T14:35:00.000-08:00

i want this dress. and to be able to play an actual song on guitar. i want the store to get stock of things i want to buy for you. but mostly, i want to wear long earrings and sparkly dresses all the time.

and now it's just awkward *yes it is, mikeday* bc aaah that girl has purple hair and oh gosh just look at this girl with her redroses instead...

in other news of the day: my hair is now pink. and im obsessed with green tea alll over again. also, everyone should watch scottpilgrim vs the world. and not just bc #michaelceraisthegreatestboyintheworld

also bc ramona is the coolest girl ever.

#ramonaaaaa

Xoxo

we're the lucky ones*

2011-01-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

i want to say 'i wish we were as cool as these girls.' but i honestly think we are.

and on a serious note:

"i'll spend forever wondering if you know, i was enchanted to meet you."

you are family. and i will love you forever. #notbychoice. #jk. (so arro's)

i love you both. more than you hate jennyhumprey. more than i love jennyhumphrey. more than we love chuckandblair. #yesiwentthere.

Xoxo

you took a piece of my heart*

2011-01-28T12:48:00.000-08:00

things i miss: the three of us. ballet. chocolate milkshake. being certain. simple decisions. actually caring. #nowaitidontmissthat. mostly, i miss waking you up and talking really loudly bc i know you had a hangover. -and you making me delicious breakfast regardless. #thatstruelove
i wish the world knew the kind of love we shared.

[images via fashiontoast and one of my favourite flickr photostreams.] and tomorrow i shall wear a sparkly dress and take paparazzi photos with poser friends who have great hair. and il wish you were here. {daydreamer by adele} things i love: opsmile memories and forever friends. speedy email replies, orange smoothies and her blog. "and it would feel like he's been there for hours, and i could tell that he'll be there for life." Xoxo

sewn to a stormcloud that never collapsed*

2011-01-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

"The air moving around you sometimes smells like beeswax and empty theatres."

(i met the most lovely girl yesterday* a girl who travels the way i love to, to places i dream of. she wears pale copper lipstick and observes "exceptionally green" trees as intently as i do...)

"My nights have been myriads of shattered chords; long-lasting like the departing steps of lovers. And in such moonshades, every poem turns to aurora borealis enveloping never-weres."

"Crumpled train tickets in hand, come-backs in dust now, 'you must belong to some indescribable world', - and how I'd laugh bitterly, soaked in disbelief; struggling to find a page, a cobblestone, a short embrace in which to finally start tearing myself asunder. "

"Every time your hands are quiescent, resting away their poems, I imagine all the things they've touched, and how I'd like their echoes to stay still against my cheekbones, forever. Tree bark, washed out ink, bookshop-doors, guitar strings, white pillows, snowflakes, dust. Everything your hands have ever touched."

-writings via restlesshearts

xoxo

it's like fire.. but vanilla. vanilla fire*

2011-01-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

[i cant get the image of you leaning forward to look at me -into me- out of my head. it was morning and i was hurting and i couldn't hide it, especially not from you. and i don't understand why you tried to pull me out of it, but thankyou for trying to rescue me.]

vanilla and cinnamon incense. rescueremedy-infused rooibos. vanilla linen fragrance. pearly satin bedding. and the cherry on top? you singing the single most beautiful song in the world for me. #serenadeftw. your voice truly is incredible. -so are your guitar lessons ;)

i want a treehouse. and dreamcatchers everywhere. and for the goodlooking boy in my group to fall in love with me.

[images via fashiontoast]

"and i am more than blessed." i wish my body would realise.
{something to believe in by parachute} i miss leighleigh. xoxo

do what you said*

2011-01-22T01:27:00.000-08:00

[im dying for these highwaisted cut-offs. literally, dying. and her shoes would be great, too. #justsaying but mostly, those shorts.]

this morning i love: tea parties. guitar hero. lisa fortuin. ashton kutcher. and the fact that i can (and will) now officially leave my hair as messy as i want and not care bc, well, it's already purple.

now it's the weekend, go out and play #nylonforever i know i will.

xoxo

procrastinate me*

2011-01-19T14:02:00.000-08:00

there are real things i should be doing right now.
but my head is too full of thoughts.
and ideas of things id rather be doing.
so instead, im deciding that this is the life i want to live:

but in the mean time, i find joy in some other things that make me happy:

blowing hundreds of bubbles through the kitchen door.

telling myself that i sing colbie caillat's new album just as well as she does.

serenading my dad while he makes dinner, singing into the dvd remote, every track on taylorswift's new album, complete with dance moves and actions and oh so many other crowd favourites.
also:

(i wish you knew how much i needed you to just be you tonight, but apparently you haven't grown up that much just yet. i guess hoping doesn't always work. it seems like pretending does though. for you atleast.)

-this test is boring, im going to bed-

xoxo

spelling out your name*

2011-01-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

today was magic*delicious smoothies and morning conversations with a boy who will always mean the world to me. birthday present shopping. my brother's great outfit. a hilarious video from the two people i miss the most. new kokis! romantic letters. and i finally feel like i might eventually return to the world.

hello, my name is andrea. i wear too much jewellery and i really want to dye my hair purple. i write romantic letters and decorate the envelopes with tiny stars. i learn life lessons from tv shows and am not afraid to sing along to songs in public. i always have my journal with me and i wish i could wear princess dresses everyday. if i were an opsmile intern forever i would be eternally happy. i think taylor swift is the most wonderful girl in the world, and all i want for christmas and my birthday and easter is to be a disneychannel star. i believe in the power of long drives and perfect birthdays and fashion magazines, and that there's no such thing as too many sparkly things or too much rooibos tea. would you like to be my friend? il make you a mixtape filled with love.

and to the most goodlooking boy in the world:

-yes, i said it. you know it's true.-

im sorry tonight didn't happen.

id been waiting forever to finally say the forbidden words.

i wish i was there with you.

also, i really do hope you get married this year.

I JUST WANT TO GO TO A WEDDING.

it's you or jswizzle, come on guys.

don't let me down!

listening to alexander's cd and reminiscing:

"if i lay here, if i just lay here. would you lie with me and

just forget the world?"

xoxo

one of yours*

2011-01-07T00:17:00.000-08:00

[images via fashiontoast and pepperandchips]

it's morning and it's sunny and the pool guy woke me up. but he's made our pool so clean i hardly recognise it, so it's okay pool man, i forgive you. i shall wait until youre done so i can swim all day and then come inside and keep eating the eggplantparmesan dish i have allll to myself. yessss* this weekend is one of list completion. of town adventures. apartment exploring. museums. picnics in big gardens. and friends who have become family.

{colours in array by futureofforestry}

xoxo

the sun hung from a string*

2011-01-06T14:22:00.000-08:00

"You're the sky that I fell through

And I remember the view"

[images via sarahjane]

im sorry, so sorry, that everything ends up about what i did wrong. im sorry i ask for more. im sorry it looks like i don't care; i promise it's the exact opposite. im sorry i ruin things. i'm sorry they notice. im sorry you don't get the attention until im away, when you hate it the most. im sorry. and i promise im doing my best to fix it.

i wish: i were anywhere near as smart as you are. you knew how incredibly proud i am of you. you felt how much i love you. you could tell how much i regret. you realised how insanely cool you are. you looked at me and saw possibility, not controversy. you everything you dare to dream, and a thousand times more; bc no one deserves it more than you do.

"Circle me and the needle moves gracefully

Back and forth, if my heart was a compass you'd be North

Risk it all cause I'll catch you if you fall

Wherever you go, if my heart was a house you'd be home"

{heavy in your arms by florence+themachine}

ovs.

xoxo

it was the middle of summer*

2011-01-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

to whom it may concern,
you make me nervous. -when all i want to do is sit next to you on the couch. when you smile at me across the room bc you know what im thinking. when you walk towards me and suddenly i can't breathe bc my tummy is filled with butterflies. but mostly, you make me nervous bc i trust you. so much. id trust you with my everything.
but if i trusted you with my everything, it wouldnt be fair. my everything today is what she calls "a burdensome truth". when im alone i think too much and i can't turn it off. when im with you, i don't think at all.
and we can't be in almost forever.
sincerely, me.

also. please don't pretend that you care.

you don't get to switch it on or off.

if you can't choose, i don't want it.

on a lighter note: skypedate tomorrow yessss.

{another rainy day by corrinebaileyrae}

xoxo

but ive seen it done before*

2011-01-06T01:12:00.000-08:00

"honey, im hoooome"

lol ive always wanted to say that.

and it's my blog and i can say what i want. so boom, there it is.

after a beach holiday where it rained almost every day, i feel surprisingly refreshed.

(or maybe it's bc i woke up and the sun was actually shining and i could actually see the sky) and highly anticipant (is that a word?) for the future.

for my future.

even though il be doing exponentially less than i initially planned, this year in particular.

bc i think you may have scared me into caring about myself.

so maybe. eventually. things will stop spinning.

and in three hours, i have a very important appointment. more important than a long-awaited weekend away, apparently. and a life-recap blog shall take place when i get back. i know your dying to know, haha.

today's note-to-self:

enjoy the sunshine, or the rain.

dear americans, youre all away, even molly. i miss you.

it's almost weekend :) as if i'd notice.
{opposite way by leeland}
xoxo

when you took my heart*

2010-12-21T10:14:00.000-08:00

"i don't understand why we can't get close enough. i want your kite strings tangled in my trees all wrapped up. i dont understand why we can't get close enough. i'll be the comets that are falling from the sky you light up."

if i were a place, right now id be an empty apartment before the lady from leap year came. id be an empty stage; no audience, no performers. id be the bedroom you just moved out of. i guess just, empty. also. [this, victoria. this is what happens. me.]

if your house were on fire, what would you take? my journals, always.

{marry you by thegleecast} and {closer by jarsofclay}

xoxo

not too far*

2010-12-19T12:47:00.000-08:00

sometimes i withdraw. from the people i love most. sometimes i make my life so busy that i never have to stop and think. sometimes that's the only way i make it through.

and i thought it was okay, bc that's just how i deal. but it's not. bc every day ive been losing tiny pieces of myself. and suddenly i don't know who i am anymore.

so tonight, i admit it. and everything changes.

[images via blackorchid and weliveyoung]

dear charissa and tara,

thank you. i wish i had other words to say what im feeling but i don't.

just, thank you. i think your words just saved me from myself.
every line of {it stops today by colbie caillat} is my truth xoxo

all of us, without*

2010-12-13T13:50:00.000-08:00

i don't have anything to say, except: go watch this, right now. your mind will be blown.

it's forgetyou, but better. twice.
[i can't explain in words how great taylormomsen is.
and glee, how are you so cool!]
also:

i just got a ton of new INCREDIBLE music. so great, that even the #vampirediaries spoiler that youtube just exploded into my world can't get me down.

#ilovetaylormomsen

and thebackupplan soundtrack.

{goin' down by theprettyreckless} is epic xoxo

until i know you*

2010-12-13T12:49:00.000-08:00

"Love could free us from all excess. From the deepest debt. 'Cause when our hearts are full we need much less" i hope you know that i can't tell.

what it is that makes you sad. when im saying the wrong things.

and maybe you don't want me to know, maybe you've got it under control.

but i can tell when you're not okay, and it hurts not knowing why.

which is probably selfish.

i say nothing, and you always end up fine.

but what if one day you won't be fine. and i don't feel like you care that i care?

on a completely unrelated note: guess what?

and i love you even when we're not.

xoxo

give me rainfall*

2010-12-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

"Whoever you are. Where will you be? Are you the same old dreamer on the other side waiting only for me? Waiting for love?"

i don't know if you really liked him or if you were just saying words (as you tend to). but he means the world to me, always has always will. and he sees that you make me happy, he's the first person who looked at me like that when i told him about you. despite everything, he sees that you make me happy. and i will love him forever, if only for that moment where he put my happiness first.

"Hoping that no matter how far, I'm gonna find my way to you. Following a rainbow."

{rainbow by colbiecaillat} #onrepeat

no matter how far*

2010-12-13T11:34:00.000-08:00

Dear every-trip-to-kommetjie-with-Britt, I really like you.

I like the songs we play on the way. I like singing along really loudly. I like the breathtaking view on the drive. I like knowing that we've picked out a house "for when we win the lotto." I like how perfect Granny Rose's house is. I like freshly baked goodness, and I like singing for Luke while we build "foundations". I like catching up with the family, and (as reluctant as I always seem) I like romantic walks on the beach with you.

"How do you make wood, gran?"

Luke is the absolute cutest kid in the entire world. And he loves me more than Britt.

#itsafact

[i still don't understand why this movie is sad. i just think it's incredibly beautiful. but why do you cry in it?]

And tomorrow, we will be reunited. Yay Kommetjie xoxo

please realize, i won't say it*

2010-12-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

somebody push it away*

2010-12-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

Here I am with all the pleasures of the first world

Laid out for me who am I to breakdown?

Oh my baby don't be so distressed

Were done with politesse

It's time to be so brutally honest about

The way we know we long for something fine

When we pine for higher ceilings

And bourgeois happy feelings

Everyday we wake up

We choose Love
We choose light
And we try, it's too easy just to fall apart.
{you, me & the bourgeoisie by thesubmarines}

"being with people.. somehow just reinforces how withdrawn and introvert i can suddenly become. when im with people.. as of recently.. there's this massive part of me that just wants to fade into the crowd.. so im there.. and not alone... but at the same time.. im not a part of anything." i dont know if it's good or bad, but some days, she's the only place i feel like i belong.
xoxo

hey, soul sister*

2010-12-13T05:01:00.000-08:00

my dearest forever friend, you're eighteen today!

i hope you spend the day feeling like a princess*

i hope you wake up smiling after a magical dream, and a deep sense of anticipation for this incredible day. i hope that today is filled with beautiful weather, perfect moments, delicious food, hysterical laughter, amazing opsmile presentations (i know they'll be GREAT), romantic letters, flowers, perfume, love songs and sparkly things.

i can't wait for all my friends here to meet you. and for us to have epic south african adventures! you are so beautiful, inside and out. no matter which college you go to or what you decide to major in, you will inspire others with your positivity, sense of purpose and brilliant smile. you have a maturity beyond your years and your heart is always in the right place, lead by Christ.

You inspire me every single day. And simply hearing your "hiiii" can literally make everything feel better.

It's super cool that you share a birthday with taylorswift! i hope that today really is a fairytale*

i laaaaav you, forever and always xoxo

im holding every breath for you*

2010-12-12T03:44:00.000-08:00

i keep replaying the conversation in my head. i keep hearing you say it. "im extending"

i haven't stopped crying since. i woke up at 6 this morning, id been crying in my sleep. it keeps happening in my head, and i still don't understand. it hurts; physically hurts. as if my chest has been torn apart. it hurts more than anything before. everything hurts and i don't understand and i can't stop crying and nothing can make it better. bc you're not here. and you're not coming back.

and there's no real point in blogging this, except that things only make sense to me when i've written it down. there's no reason why everyone should be able to see this; but there's no reason why they shouldn't, i guess. i think that if i make it look pretty, if i put it here, i could maybe begin to see that it's real.

im so proud of you, though. genuinely and completely. in so many ways. the strong woman you're growing up to be, the love you have for your host family, the courage you have, the risks you're taking, your dependance on God, and the fact that you still have the audacity to call me a loser.

i love you more than i could ever put into words.

{vanilla twilight by owlcity}

xoxo

days in love*

2010-12-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

if we went there (where the sun makes everything glow) maybe i'd be happier. maybe my secrets would be about rainbows. maybe we could be friends, without all of this mess.

{are you here by corinnebaileyrae}

xoxo

anything but loud*

2010-12-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

I like tents. And setting marshmellows on fire. I like listening to your heart beat. And the conversations we get caught up in. I like that you see how sad she makes me. And that you believe we'll be okay. I like old-lady floral clothes. And that he makes her happy. I like that you feel me looking at you. And how we made her smile today.

But mostly, I like falling asleep with you.

xoxo

wrapped in black*

2010-12-08T06:31:00.000-08:00

"the evening grows in size and you return again. hands full and with snowflakes caught on eyelashes. wondering what the night sees when shadows are thrown on this city that sparkles and the collusion of realities blurs the way symbolic echoes reverberate in the moments just before waking and you find yourself re-aquainted with the answers before you know the questions." cloudgathererholdmedown.

{i'd do it all again by corrinebaileyrae} #onrepeat

[images via pepperandchips]

B comes home today.
Murray and Joe leave in the morning. #whydoaustralianskeepleaving
the ultimate breakfast: icecream. only if it looks like birthday.
{simple song by mileycyrus} is everything right now.
tuxedo better be as cool as this place.
xoxo

everything on you*

2010-12-08T06:18:00.000-08:00

im so inlove it's not even a joke.

[and not just with you. but shhh.]

my brother hated on me. and charles laughed at me.

but still, the joy cannot be broken. bc this hershey's syrup is perfection. #iloveamericanchocolatemilk. happiness becomes me.

[Barbara Palvin is so beautiful here.]

miss adachi, you've rocked my world.

and it's almost your birthday*

terribly exciting! xoxo

all that she needs*

2010-12-05T11:22:00.000-08:00

yay article complete; and im inlove with those dresses all over again. reading: leigh's blogpost about how perfect lastnight was. listening to: skinny genes by elizadoolittle.. it's 9pm, i'm going to bed. do not text me, victoriasmith.

please let this week be a good one xoxo

but the sun shines*

2010-12-05T09:19:00.000-08:00

busy writing my lanvin x h&m article for vview. still on a high from today's shopping adventure. wearing my royalvendetta skirt. waiting for it to feel like christmas time. on repeat: christmas lights by coldplay. you should read this blog, just saying.

dear global warming, please bring the rain back.

xoxo

don't go further*

2010-12-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am."

[sundays are no longer my favourite. she watches me, i know she sees. but why does she pretend it's nothing?]

set on fire*

2010-12-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

i want to say it.

in that silent moment that's never quite right.

i want to tell you, and for it to be okay.

but i know this world, and i know what will happen.

and suddenly i'll be That Girl. and it'll all be a big story.

and you won't know how to act around me.

and you'll second-guess my every word.

and it'll never be the same.

so instead i wait.

for.. i don't know..

rescue?

i'm hoping i'll wake up

and it'll all have been a dream.

a terrible one

like the kind i have every night anyway.

until then, i have my favourite people.

and spontaneous adventures.

city lights.

and the incredible sky.

somehow they make me feel sparkly inside, amidst all of this*

and somehow the days keep passing

but it feels like nothing's changed.

xoxo

stop looking at me like that*

2010-12-03T02:45:00.000-08:00

dear victoriasmith.

i like being friends with you.

i like that you know my secrets and you don't make me talk about them. i like that you finally got over mocking me for being preppy. and that somehow we end up liking the same bands. i like that you wear long necklaces. and i like that you have pretty eyes. even when you're laughing at me. which is almost all the time.
but mostly, what im trying to say is that:

you're my person. forever and always*

don't fight it*

2010-12-03T02:02:00.000-08:00

"What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you."— Jeanette Winterson

a kiss with a fist*

2010-12-03T01:52:00.000-08:00

#yayformila

blackswan releases feb 4th. #imsoexcitedimightdie

"Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns"

note to self:

dancing round the kitchen to {florence+themachine}

we're all reading britishvogue *THANKYOUSWEESA*

and my electricblue nails are incredible.

"Dear Cat,

Sorry for hoisting you into the air whenever 'The Circle of Life' plays.

Sincerely, a Lion King enthusiast."

iloveaustralians.

and my friends.

yes, my friends are better than yours.
quote of the night: "get that girl a burger!"

{dear plett people. please be okay}

happy weekend, everyone*

it is weekend, right?

xoxo

unsent letters*

2010-11-29T14:05:00.000-08:00

"And I am the mermaid who saved him from his ocean nightmares, and I am his echo in my loveless cave who didn't really save him at all"

"i want to be the winter branches, the book that fell down from your bed after you fell asleep, the light in that faraway window at three o' clock in the dark morning, the letter that was never sent because too many secrets filled the corners, the rocks at the bottom of the lake" treecastledreams.

im painting my nails darkblue. and procrastinating. and hoping youll call me. bc i miss hanging out. xoxo

make wishes, they come true*

2010-11-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

yay gemmaward*

(jswizzle, i havent named a model in a while!)

shockingly-profound quote of the moment...

lisa: "it's just money."

dear ballet, i miss you so much that my heart hurts. #justsayin

lol of the moment: tim, referring to his name as "the triple bible"

i dont know why im so captivated by this photo.

im inlove with the skulls/hearts on the collar.

and nickjonas. yes, he is the greatest. literally.

"you could be at the show and know every word. but it's you who makes me sing. we may not know where we are, but i know who i am. baby, i'm your biggest fan."
{yes that is the song of the day. it's from Jonas LA. and he raps in it, too. while wearing an incredible denim shirt. HIS VOICE IS SO GREAT.}
niiiicckkkkjooonnnnaaaasss. #marryme

xoxo

can't be blamed*

2010-11-29T07:28:00.000-08:00

"and i dont wanna fall to pieces. i just wanna sit and stare at you.

i don't wanna talk about it.

and i don't want a conversation, i just wanna cry in front of you."

[dear victoria. you are right. i pick him. and i kinda always will. sigh, life.]

“Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you’ll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to, but doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved."

Synecdoche, New York via theautumngivesleaves

xoxo

if it was an ocean*

2010-11-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

i apologize for the long absence. from the world.

to everyone who has texted me or inboxed me, or written on my wall:

im really sorry. that i haven't got back to you.

i'm not sorry that i've been a lil MIA though.

it's been good for me.

i've been watching butterflies. and telling my secrets to people i love.

and i can almost breathe again...

so be patient okay*

listening to: something special by colbiecaillat.

happy monday xoxo

to be alive*

2010-11-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

now that i know enchanted is about him, ive rekindled my fascination with adam's tweets. and he just keeps getting better. in other news of the day: ive been listening to old playlists. aand cleaning the kitchen [whuuuut. yeah i speak truth.]

[glee + teenvogue = like heaven]

ive eaten too much chocolate cupcake batter. mmm so delicious, but all i want is water for the rest of the day. for now, im gonna keep watching my favourite part of camprock over and over. "been feeling lost, can't find the words to say.."

so inlove with her dress.

wishing: i could play guitar.

contemplating: how much things can change in a week.

aaand my new life goal: working for unicef.

{live like there's no tomorrow by selenagomez}

happy wednesday everyone xoxo